Jed Callahan

How I ended up doing this

A tub I was about to buy said 133 gallons. Out of nosiness I multiplied its own measurements. The answer was 79.

Not a rounding error. A tub advertising almost twice what it can hold, on a listing plenty of people had already bought from.

So I got annoyed and checked the rest. One gives you the size of the shipping box instead of the tub. One says it is made of cast iron. It weighs seven pounds and folds into a bag.

Nobody was checking. Now somebody is.

The part where I admit things

I have not been in most of these tubs.

Nobody has been in all of them. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you one. So every review here says flat out whether the thing was in my garden or on my screen.

I would love to claim more. It would make me sound better at this. It would also fall apart the first time one of my glowing reviews turned up in your yard and disappointed you.

What I actually care about

Not the numbers on the box. The ones you feel in month four.

• What it costs to keep cold, which is usually more than the tub cost
• What it pulls off the wall, and whether your breaker minds
• How long it survives outside, because sun kills these, not water
• What happens when a seam goes, and who eats that bill

Then I go and read the angry reviews. One bad one is a bad day. Thirty people describing the same split seam is a fact.

Two things I am not

A doctor. If you have a heart condition, or you are pregnant, cold water is a conversation with your doctor and not with me.

A lab. If you are about to spend four grand, use this site to get from twenty options down to three. Then go sit in one somewhere before you hand over the money.

Tell me I got it wrong

Own one of these? If it does not match what I wrote, say so.

I would rather fix a page than defend it.